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Living in a ‘secured’ world…

Every day, when security guards stop my car while entering the office parking or a mall, it brings a smile. The drill comprises of ‘checking’ the boot by lifting the back door and then closing it.
There has never been a question as to what is inside the bag/S that are being carried in the boot. What if I am carrying a bomb or a gun at the back seat or on the front seat?

When I take the elevator from the basement parking in office, the ID card is not checked but if I do through the main entrance at ground floor, ID is expected or else one has to make an entry in the register at the reception. You have to enter your name, phone number, which company you are going to and purpose…well…wonder what’s the purpose of this? The other day I saw someone had written ‘sex on the beach’ against ‘name’ in the register. No-one looks at it…not even the register!!

At the main reception of my office, the guards usually get the bag opened to check… and most of the time, before I can open it, they nod that’s alright. Sometimes they just smile and let me go without checking, if they are in a good mood. There are times when they just waive their metal detector (that’s what I think it is) across the bag and then let you go…at times there is sound of ‘pee pee’… other times there is none…I always have my laptop, battery bank and few electronic items there.

I recently told a security guard that I often wonder what you guys look for? He said that’s exactly he keeps thinking about!! Once in a lighter mood, I told the security person that I have a bomb in my bag. She smiled at me and said “Sir, you wouldn’t go from here if you had one”. That was so intelligent…I asked then why is she not sitting where I would go from?

Recently, I was entering my friend’s apartment with another friend. At the main gate, as the security guard came towards the car, my friend raised his hand confidently and then pointed towards himself. To my shock, the guard let him in without any question. When asked, he told me the secret is to be confident in his gesture and it works all the time.

In hotels, they also get you to open the bonnet, just in case you’ve decided to keep your arms & ammunition in the middle of the engine… or if engine itself is a bomb!!

After careful consideration, I have concluded that security guards look for a dead body in the boot of the car!! They can’t find anything else for sure…and if I have slight intellect, I would place the dead body on the back seat of the car and hope that the body will pretend to sleep and not shout about its identify.

Security measures on a flight are equally fascinating. I get psyched out as soon they announce to keep the phone switched off or in flight mode as it can ‘interfere’ with aircraft signals. Imagine, if terrorists come to know this then instead of arms, they would just come in groups with their phones and don’t change them to flight mode!! Other key security measures include keeping your seats ‘upright’, window’s pane ‘open’ and tray table ‘up’ and yes…any luggage inside the seat in front. When turbulence comes, they disallow the use of toilets, without realizing that the need to use the loo is usually directly proportionate to the intensity of turbulence. Recently, I got a chance to sit on the emergency seat and airhostess came for giving instructions. She asked if I was willing to help others in case of emergency. I had a sudden surge of patriotic emotion…my head was high, and chest tight. I decided that this is the time to give it back to the society and perform my duties for the nation. Then she declared that on emergency landing, she would come and shout ‘evacuate, evacuate, evacuate’… thrice and only then I should open the emergency door. And it was then that I apologized and excused myself from this critical duty. You see, I was not sure if in that hour of crisis, I would manage to keep count of the number of times she would yell ‘evacuate’… and do note… at that moment use of toilet would also not be allowed.

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