I last wrote in September 2020 when I lost my father.
Less than two year from that day, my mother passed away last year in May 2022. I was in Goa when she got hospitalized – by the time I came back in the evening, she was already on ventilator. We couldn’t speak to her for her last 5 days when she was in hospital. Her last words to me (on phone) was ‘I am fine’ when she was going to hospital. No good byes…no last piece of advice…nothing on what should I do…nothing.
I have been thinking since then. The feeling hasn’t sunk in yet. It always seems she is around, her going away is not something that we were prepared for, perhaps she didn’t as well.
It’s kind of funny that we don’t think and talk about ‘death’ – our ultimate destination – as often as we perhaps ought to. Why no one teaches this while we are in school or college? We don’t even know to react if someone we know passes away, the best we can often come up with ‘RIP’ on the WhatsApp groups only to get several ‘RIPs’ back. I recently watched a video in which a man vehemently argued why we should not say ‘RIP’ for Hindus as their soul finds another body after death – different people…different views.
In a book ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’, a memoir by American author Mitch Albom about his interactions with his sociology professor Morrie Schwartz in his last few days, there is a quote “the truth is, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live”. I completely agree. This doesn’t mean that we give up on life and be depressed all the time but do realize that its unpredictable and we all have limited time.
“Everyone has got two lives – the second one starts when you realize you only have one” goes the famous saying. On hindsight, if there had been a more pronounced realization that my mother could go sooner would I have done things differently – Most definitely yes!! If every day I say to myself that “life is short, is it really worth doing” would I live better – Absolutely!! Do I practice this – not at all!!
One would want to spend more time with the loved ones, create memories, click pictures, laugh together, celebrate small accomplishments and just be nice to them. My biggest regret now is that in her last few years, I didn’t spend a lot of time with my mom. Office, travel, social life, social media and so on…I had many excuses and justifications. They all seem so meaningless now, she would be so happy if I just sat with her for few minutes. Why couldn’t I do it more??
How pointless were those political debates, agitated retorts on her social & religious beliefs and so on? Why can’t we just appreciate the alternate point of view and move on. Why do we need to always score a point…win a debate? The amount of time and energy we waste on these, including angry to & fro on WhatsApp groups is mindboggling!! Now I try not to fall into this trap other than putting a point of dissent but without engaging into a war of words on the subject. Afterall, you won’t change the world by ‘winning’ on social media!!
The time that we while away is astonishing (I say this with lot of pain and regret having watched the movie ‘Pathan’ recently). We binge watch Netflix through the night, read and watch useless news, aimlessly switch channels on TV, indulge in useless political & high-pitched videos on WhatsApp and so on.
Recently, I watched a Ted Talk which said that there is chance of 1 in 4 trillion for a human being to be born at a time/place and with a particular DNA. Thus, fundamentally, everyone is somewhat unique. Everyone has his own battles, challenges, desires, aspirations and again most importantly only one life. Why would then we want to stick to a template, want to do things only because society demands or others are doing? Why this overwhelming desire to ‘force fit’ ourselves into someone else’s shoes? Personally speaking, I wasted many years in preparing for IIT and then doing accountancy (though it didn’t turn out bad…professionally speaking ?). If I would have become a journalist or would have done something creative like being an author, standup comedian …perhaps it would have been more fulfilling.
Secret of living a fulfilling life is first recognizing the sheer ‘temporariness’ of life – nothing is permanent. So if your life is in a hole it must be temporary. If you are a rockstar with millions of fans or a CEO of the largest corporation with million-dollar paycheck, that is temporary as well. So there is nothing to be too arrogant about but plenty to be thankful for.
If life is indeed temporary (no dispute on that !!) then why not spend it doing something meaningful. That’s the only way to bring smile on faces of your loved ones when they look at your picture when you’re gone.
It’s good to talk about ‘death’ more often, just to ‘live’ a bit more…